Ambivalence

am·biv·a·lence

n.

1. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.

2. Uncertainty or indecisiveness as to which course to follow.

I am an introvert living in an extrovert world.

And I kinda like it.

But at the same time, I kinda hate it.

Society decided certain activities are fun. These activities usually involve a group of people. I totally get this. Doing things with people is one of the best ways to bond with them. But does there have to be so many people?
Sports, concerts, dances; there are hordes of people and it's so loud. Everyone is too busy running, screaming, or flailing about that I have a hard time understanding how people actually interact with other people. And yet somehow they do. Crazy extroverts.

I realize and wholeheartedly agree that most people are somewhere in between the two extremes of introverted and extroverted; myself included. But I would argue that people tend to lean toward one or the other, at least at a given moment in their life. People can and often do fluctuate between the two.

Anyway, extroverts tend to feel energized or 'recharge' by hanging out or talking with other people and feel at home in large groups. They are very outgoing, talkative, and decisive socialites ('social' being defined by an extroverted world; a larger portion of society is extroverted and, naturally, that group decided what 'social norms' are).

Introverts, on the other hand, tend to feel drained by most social interaction and need to recharge by spending time alone. They are quiet, analytical, and thoughtful listeners. Extroverts tend to have many acquaintances, while introverts tend to prefer a small group of close friends.

The reason I entitled this post 'ambivalence' is because it describes my feelings toward social interactions pretty well. I am, as you may have guessed, an introvert, but I really enjoy interacting with other people and I am quite talkative when I want to be.

Let's take a popular extroverted activity as an example: dancing. 

I recently went to a church dance that I was very exited for, for some reason. But then I remembered I can't dance. Seriously. I have tried to dance. I can't. I love music and I greatly enjoy a good beat, but something, whether it be physical or psychological, prevents me from expressing that passion through movement. It just feels awkward and weird to me. Despite the fact I dislike dancing, I was still able to have a great time at this dance, probably because I really like watching other people and the general vibe of people having a good time. I also enjoy watching people dance; the passion, confidence, expression, and abandon are things I envy slightly.

That's something I want to work on. Not dancing; I don't think I will ever feel completely comfortable with that. But abandon. I just want to figure out how to express myself. I usually keep to myself and figure things out alone; I 'swallow and digest' problems, I guess you could say. But when I want to talk or just say something, people around me know I will listen but they forget I can talk. I'm sure that's not the only reason I have a hard time talking about myself or expressing my thoughts, but it's hard to get better at something when you can't practice.

Dang.

That got all depressing pretty quick. Anywho! I really am getting better at it; time and experiences are making sure of that. And if you feel like you want to help introverts like me, just know we take a while to form our thoughts and gather words so you have to be patient. Silence isn't bad, it's just an opportunity.

But back to ambivalence.

I really want to be more social, but I can only take so much interaction. Do I force my introverted self to do more things outside of my comfort-zone just because it's expected of me by a society of extroverts? Or can I just stay in my comfortable little bubble? Or is there a balance where I can grow and expand my confidence and interests at my own pace? Luckily there is a necessity of opposites, of balance. Extravert and introvert, talking and listening, impulse and analysis, yin and yang. I can be both, and something entirely different.

I can be me.

 I just need stop getting lost in the tangles of predetermined routes and expectations, and find my own path to where I want to be.